A Nice Bit of Symmetry
by Ksuhi
Summary: .:Eventual ItaNaru, Hints of past NaruSasu and ItaSasu:. Sasuke and Sakura are dead. Naruto stands in the rain contemplating life, death, loneliness and Akatsuki-assisted suicide. Why is it that Uchiha Itachi is never around when you need him?


**Title:**A Nice Bit of Symmetry

**Author:**Ksuhi

**Beta:**I WISH!

**Pairings:**Eventual ItaNaru, small hints of past NaruSasu and unrealized ItaSasu if you squint…

**WARNINGS:**Seriously guys, this not a fluffy fic. We are gonna be dealin' in some terribly disturbing stuff. Graphic violence right off the bat, character death, lots of angst, talk of rape and suicide (assisted and otherwise), and yes, most likely yaoi. The sexual aspect may not end up progressing much or be all that graphic, but there will at least be hints of boyxboy attraction. 'Cause I'm a fangirl.

**Summary:** .:Eventual ItaNaru, Hints of past NaruSasu and ItaSasu if you squint:. Sasuke and Sakura are dead. Naruto stands in the rain contemplating life, death, loneliness and Akatsuki-assisted suicide. Why is it that Uchiha Itachi is never around when you need him?

**DISCLAIMER:**So I'm just gonna say this once, I DO NOT OWN NARUTO! I don't claim to. There's no way that I'm makin' money off this little fic. And seriously, suing me would be a waste of time anyways. I've got like a dollar in my bank account and at best, I might have a couple of bucks in change obscured by clothing in my mess of a room. And besides… the Naruto universe would be a lot more twisted if it were solely my baby. Yaoi and Uchihacest would abound.

**A/N:**Alright Lovelies! Welcome to my first non-Drabble Naruto fic! I must tell you right off the bat that this fic and cannon will barely ever even kiss. Despite the fact that this takes place in the normal Naruto universe, it is totally AU. My knowledge of the 'Sai and Sasuke' Arc in Shippuuden is nominal at best. So lets just say that this branches off shortly after that.

This fic and _Asymmetry_are meant to be companion fics (This fic and that one are in the same, rather jumbled timeline), so if you haven't read any of the latter, you should check it out sometime!

The formatting for the first chunk of this is a little awkward. **Bold** speech, underline emphasis, _italics_ is just to indicate that the formatting is wonky.

But yes! On with the show!

OoToO

**Blood**

OoToO

_Sasuke's voice. __**Too easy. **__Disdain dripping like her blood to the ground. Splish goes the blade as it slices into her torso. Wet thunk. Too easy. Just like he said. My voice. Too high and strangled. __**Sakura-chan!**__ Drip, drip, splatter, drip. Gasping. __**No, no, no, NO! **__My voice barely able to push the word out.__Blood everywhere. All hers. On my hands, on my face, on __his__face, falling from his dark hair. Crimson globs spraying onto his white gi, onto his paper white skin. Obscene, pretty red droplets running down pale, pale neck. Color coordination at it's best. It all matches his eyes so perfectly. My breath is ragged in my throat. Too much screaming.__**Sa-su-ke!**__ Syllables stretched with rage. He turns, withdrawing his sword. Not caring for the final splash of red fluid. For her final whisper. So faint. __**Sasuke-kun…**__She falls. Never loved. Not by __him__ at least. Just that same condescending smile. Same old Teme. Same uncaring, selfish Sasuke-teme. __**Chikushou! Chikushou! Chikushou!**__ I curse raggedly__m__y tears mixing with the blood. I'm choking on my own blood. Feeling that cold steel penetrate me again. Oh yeah baby, that's the spot. Faces close enough to kiss. That's right cut me harder Teme. Harder, faster, while I dig my claws into your guts. Knees quiver, locked in place for too long. Struggling, grappling to dig blade or claws in deeper. __**Damn it Sasuke-teme! **__Choking, gasping past blood and steel to say it. __**It doesn't have to end like this!**__ Lie. We both know how this will end. Gasping. Shaking. We tremble together. He lets out a strange keen as we shift. Too tired and worn to stifle the response. I must have eviscerated him. I can tell that my demon won't let me die from this wound. Chikushou! Too fast… Slipping. Let me die too! Please Kyuubi. Let us all die together. Please let us end. So lonely already. Same condescending smile. Same old Teme. __**Dobe.**__ Affection. Don't leave me! So cold. Gasp. Horrifying bubble of blood pushing past perfect up-turned lips. Cough. Sasuke don't. __**I wish…**__ Cough. So much blood. Sakura's blood. Sasuke's blood. My blood. Not enough of it mine. Second try. Last chance. __**I wish I could have**__, gasp, __**killed that man.**__ Sasuke's last words._

Naruto woke up screaming.

He tried to stifle the noise, but only ended up letting out a long keen so much like the one Sasuke… The blond slapped a hand over his mouth, not wanting to bother the neighbors any more than he already had.

It had been over a month and still, even when asleep, he couldn't escape the dreadful memories of that day.

He tried to quiet some of his trembling by gripping his arms to his chest. The blond told himself firmly that ninjas didn't tremble, even when they were alone. He didn't bother trying to tell himself that things like that still mattered to him, when the blustery words fell flat in his own head.

A few minutes later the teen had calmed down, feeling only his now normal pervading sense of guilt and melancholy.

Naruto glanced over at his clock to see what time it was, but the red numbers were blocked from his view by a shirt he must have tossed there the night before. With not even so much as a sigh, he attempted to stretch and pull the offending article off without leaving the warmth of his bed. This proved to be foolish, as he only succeeded in losing his balance and flopping onto his cluttered floor.

He lay there for a few moments with a stray chopstick jabbing him in the cheek. Most of the clutter surrounding his bed was harmless, consisting of some dirty clothes, discarded ramen cups, and empty take-out containers. The blond found himself wistfully regarding the chopstick that had been poking his face, almost wishing that it had done some damage. It might have made him feel a little better.

Finally remembering his goal, Naruto heaved himself off the floor. There was some discomfort in his hands after pressing them against the messy floor but he ignored this in favor of taking the two steps to his clock and yanking the annoying shirt off of it.

Hm. Late morning already. He didn't feel rested in the slightest.

The teen all but leaped back to the warmth of his bed and drew open the curtains on his window. He did it quick, like pulling off a bandage. He winced as the bright light that streamed in stabbed at his retinas quite mercilessly.

Naruto sat in bed listlessly, woefully bored already. The young ninja didn't feel like training today. Why bother? Who would care to compete with him? Who was there to impress? A tight grimace worked itself across his face. The blond hadn't checked in with Tsunade-baa-chan in almost a week.

What kind of missions would she have for a lone genin anyway?

Near the beginning of the month, after everything had settled somewhat, the Hokage had thought to assign him two-man missions with Sai to keep him occupied. That had turned out to be a complete and utter fiasco. Naruto's concentration had been shot and his teamwork had left much to be desired. After their first mission like that together, Sai had suggested in his normal tactless way that the blond would probably be more useful if he went through retraining. A rather nasty fight had ensued and Baa-chan had declared that she couldn't see how they could continue to work together.

What the blond genin hadn't realized as he smugly took in her proclamation, was that this decision would practically make him a prisoner of Konoha. He had received no missions leading him out of the village since and most of them had been tedious D-rank.

Painful memories. Way too much time to think.

The teen hated the idea of sitting idle all day, but his options were severely limited. Everything involved facing the outside world, and that did not sound appealing.

He continued his internal debate for a few minutes before the sound of his window shattering and a rain of glass falling on his bed startled him out of his thoughts.

Instantly he was on alert with a kunai in hand. The young ninja's muscles were tensed in anticipation of an attack from a hidden enemy. He listened for the sizzle of an exploding tag, scenting the air for the accompanying acrid smell. But when no further attack was forthcoming the blond was confused. Naruto began scanning his mess of a room searching for the cause of the commotion. Finally, his eyes lit upon it.

A rock.

Blinking several times, Naruto slid off his perch to examine the huge rock that someone had apparently chucked through his window. One side of it was smeared with what appeared to be livid red writing. The blond nudged it with his foot to get a better angle and froze when he was able to read the sloppy word.

Murderer.

His fist twisted into his sleeping shirt and a tight grimace slid onto his face. It looked like he didn't have to go out anymore to have to face the outside world. Naruto took in a ragged breath and snatched up his jacket, throwing it on without even bothering to get dressed first. The teen didn't have the stamina for this shit anymore.

Naruto just really needed some fresh air.

He didn't really have a destination in mind as he dashed off and soon found himself in the main street of the village. Buildings were clustered closely along the road, houses and businesses hugging each other in a friendly way, and people were crowding all along the street, doing business at a few stalls, but mostly socializing. Some hustling and bustling, others strolling and wasting time. It was the very last place that Naruto wanted to be.

The genin slowed his pace so as not to jostle anyone. At other points in his life, this wouldn't have been a concern. He would have rushed through the crowd, knocking into people to get as much attention as he possibly could. Some would have been angry, some bemused, but they all would have recognized that he existed. Now was very different though. Without causing any commotion, or saying a word, Naruto was pinned with stare after stare as he shuffled through the people.

Over the span of his short life, the teen had become something of an expert in different types of stares. So much could be said with one long look.

The first stares that he remembered were disgusted and resentful. Mostly he had received these from the villagers, clearly they thought him a horrible creature, a demon-child. The resentment had confused him for many years, but now he knew that when they had looked at him they had seen all the loved ones that they had lost to the Kyuubi. Ninja and villagers alike had regarded him with suspicion. They watched the child wondering if secretly he was as evil and cruel as the demon sealed inside of him. When he had started at the academy, other children had at first regarded him with pity and almost always soon after fear. He imagined that they must have wondered why he was treated so terribly. Maybe they had sadly asked older people why and been terrified by the vehemence of the response they received.

As the blond's academy years had worn on, some of the stares had changed. Not all, as the villagers continued to regard him much the same, but the demeanor of his classmates and the ninja began to change. Most Nin had lost their suspicion in favor of appraising stares that asked him 'What kind of person are you becoming? What kind of Ninja will you be?' His peers lost the fearful looks in their eyes, as they grew old enough to question their parents' frantic warnings. Their stares were thoughtful and curious. 'He's not a monster. Just a boy. Just a child like me', their eyes said.

When Naruto had begun real missions and he had participated in the Chuunin exams he had been introduced to several new kinds of stares. There were those disdainful stares worn by some of his opponents. They were sure that he couldn't possibly have the strength to back up his boasts. Shock, much to his satisfaction, had often followed those disdainful glances.

The more sinister of the new looks was the murderous stare. He had only received this chilling glower from a few enemies. You could see in their eyes that they would happily kill you in cold blood, with or without provocation.

Somewhere during that time another look had wormed its way into his repertoire. It was a stare filled with pride. It had first come from Iruka-sensei and Sandaime-jii-chan. Then it had been bestowed upon him by Kakashi-sensei. In the years to follow, he would also receive this same look from Ero-sennin and Tsunade-baa-chan.

After the attack on the village by the snake bastard, Naruto had begun to notice a new stare coming from his peers and even some of the villagers. Affection. It made the blond's throat tight to remember those first weeks. His comrades were beginning to recognize him. He had found himself for the first time, surrounded by friends.

Such fleeting happiness.

His recounting of the different stares that he had cataloged stuttered for a moment. He could feel his mind heading down an unexpected path and he didn't want it. But his thoughts continued on despite his attempt to stifle them.

Naruto's mind brought forth a certain stare that he wished to remove from his catalog. Blank and condescendingly irritated. So expressive for all its intended emptiness. He let the pain summoned by his mind's eye ripple through him for a moment. That stare was gone. Extinguished. His fault.

And that brought him to the stares that he was currently receiving as he wandered through the main street. What made them so different and why they caused him tread more carefully.

All of the stares that the villagers were turning on him were full of hatred. Hatred and righteous indignation. 'Murderer!' they accused with their eyes. There was not an affectionate or even suspicious stare in the crowd.

Their eyes bore into him.

There was a certain suppressed violence to many of the stares that left the jinchuuriki feeling a great uneasiness. He felt greatly disarmed. These looks were nothing like the murderous stares he had received in the past. Were those had been cold, these were burning, heated things filled with that will of fire that Konoha was so famous for.

He could easily guess what sort of thoughts must be going through their heads.

_How dare he show his face here! _

_Why does Hokage-sama tolerate an abomination like him?_

_That monster deserves to die!_

_Demon!_

_Murderer!_

Try as he might to quiet his imaginings, some whispered their hate aloud, fueling his insecurity. True, there had always been whispers, but these had a much nastier and ominous tone to them. He never caught more than snatches and pieces, but they wore at him just the same.

In times past he had been able to brush off some the more malicious attitudes that villagers had directed his way with little difficulty. They had been so convinced that he was some sort of reincarnation of the Kyuubi. Always such nonsensical ideas which had been easy for Naruto to discredit in his own heart. He had always know that he wasn't a monster. Just a boy. Just lonely.

But now as those same people regarded him with hate in the eyes and on their lips, the young blond could not summon up any defense. Though he tried to ignore it, he felt an echo of belief in his heart.

He could no longer deny that he was an abomination, a monster, a demon, a murderer.

Deciding that he couldn't walk this street any longer, he tensed his legs to spring up to the rooftops, but was startled into inaction by a rage-filled shout.

"_You!_"

The blond had a feeling that he was most likely the one being addressed. He turned reluctantly towards the source of the shout.

The young nin immediately recognized Ino as the one who had yelled at him. The was a visible trembling in her arms, her jaw was clenched and her whole frame was strung tight, like a cord on the verge of snapping.

Before Naruto could make any attempt at acting normal or trying to placate the kunoichi, she let out a hiss through her teeth, possibly sensing his intention.

"How dare _you_! How dare you walk around here like everything is alright! Like you're still welcome!" For a moment she was overcome and Naruto stood speechless with his mouth hanging open. To hear those words coming from one who had just barely begun to acknowledge him, who had hardly bothered to give him the time of day before was a peculiar, bitingly painful thing. The intensity of the feeling was actually quite surprising though.

Maybe because the kunoichi had been _her_ friend and rival.

Maybe because she had claimed to be in love with _him_ for as long as he could remember.

The girl let out another hiss, this one sounding pained and he flinched.

"She trusted you! You promised you'd bring _him_ back! She trusted you and you let her die!" Ino's voice cracked as she said the last. By now there was large bunch of villagers surrounding them and throwing in their two cents. All of them grumbling and agreeing like their thoughts were being voiced.

The blond nin reeled at the mention of his sin against his female teammate. He willed the kunoichi to stop there but she wasn't finished yet.

"You're_nothing_! Nothing but a monster! You killed _him_! It's all your fault they're gone!" Every word was like a blow to his chest. It was only because of years of practice that his face stayed dry, that his eyes didn't leak to match hers as she screamed at him. He lost track of the exact words that she threw at him, but the poison she spewed out at him attacked his defenses. Weakened by more than a month of self-hate and constant emotional abuse from all sides, his walls buckled and fell to pieces.

In the wake of his internal disintegration, the young nin's attention was brought back outward as a bit of a scuffle broke out. Ino was screaming and waving around a kunai while being restrained by her teammates.

"He deserves to die! He needs to pay! He took them away! His fault! His fault!" Her voice took on a shriller tone as Shikamaru and Chouji were finally able to drag her off. Even as they were lost to sight the sound of the pale blond's fit could still be heard for some minutes.

Naruto still had enough presence of mind to escape while the young kunoichi had everyone's attention. At this point he didn't want to wait for the villagers' reaction to the confrontation.

This time he firmly set a destination in his mind, not wanting to end up in yet another undesirable location. He knew exactly the place where he would be left utterly alone.

The Uchiha District.

He knew that heading to such a place was a somewhat masochistic choice, but leaping from the final rooftop and over the high wall surrounding the deserted district, he couldn't bring himself to care.

As the blond straightened from the graceful crouch that he had landed in he was startled by a fat drop of water landing on the top of his head. He turned his gaze towards the sky and was rewarded by another fat drop smacking his cheek.

The jinchuuriki stared blankly at the murky clouds.

It was raining.

How fitting.

He stood, catching the steadily increasing rain with his face for many minutes. He was so weary. So tired of the life that was his now that_they_ were gone.

Oh how he wished he could trade places with one of them. He knew that either of them would have been able to do more with their lives than he was capable of.

His beloved teammates had always been so strong in the face of loneliness.

Thoughts of all that either of them would have been able to accomplished overwhelmed him and he slowly headed deeper into this dreary part of the village feeling deeply numbed.

The buildings lining the streets were in terrible disrepair, which was hardly a surprise considering the suffocating aura of death that cast a pall on all of his surroundings. It was a horrifying contrast with the brightness of the main street he had just fled from and as Naruto penetrated deeper into the district, things became increasingly gruesome. Evidence of the past violence became more prevalent. A busted door here, a wall cracked and crumbling from some kind of impact there. Lanterns left hanging; some cut and some spattered with long dried blood. The blond could easily picture them with the dark, viscous fluid fresh and dripping.

And now, as he reached the center of the compound he could tell that the clean-up had been sloppy and rushed. In many places, where rain had been unable to reach over the years, there were still dark patches of old blood.

He came to stop at the gate of a house that he instantly knew to be the Uchiha head house. The young nin leaned heavily against the metal grating and slid down it causing the rusting steel to let out a despairing rattle. As the rain continued to spatter around him, Naruto found himself contemplating how many times he had stood before this gracefully old building before it had become such a decrepit testament of death.

Even at a very young age the little blond orphan had been fascinated by those pale, regal creatures. Those Uchiha. Even their most clumsy children had grace. Beings straight from paradise he had thought.

And as if their elegance hadn't been enough, there was also the contrast of those eyes of theirs. Such a sinister feel their kekkai genkai held even in the kindest of them.

_'Beautiful, but cursed just like me.'_ He had thought upon his first glance of the Sharingan.

Naruto had been most fascinated by the head family. He remembered time and again sneaking into the district and coming to this place to watch them at home, though specific memories were just a bit foggy.

Their mother had been so sweet and caring , with a secret strength. Sometimes he liked to imagine that his own mother might have been like her. Their father had been so stern and righteous. It had always fascinated and saddened him to see how little the man had seemed to appreciate his family for the blessing they were.

Honestly, he had forgotten much about Itachi. Not even recognized him on meeting him in that hotel years ago. All he remembered now was a sense of awe in the beauty and genius of the older brother. And he remembered- Naruto felt a sharp pain tear at him like a katana to the gut as the next thought formed. He remembered Sasuke, sweet and joyous and determined, before the event that had twisted and broken him into a wholly new person.

The young teen regarded his surroundings with dull eyes.

He could easily see how one could go mad with such ruins weighing upon your mind and heart.

But Naruto was well past worrying about his own sanity.

Much as he tried to ignore the confrontation, his mind kept coming back to all those things that Ino had said.

It had all been like an echo of all his deepest, darkest thoughts.

It was his own fault that he was alone.

He had failed.

He was nothing.

He was a monster.

He was a murderer.

_She_ had trusted him to follow through with his word and to be strong. He had let her down in the most detestable way.

He had let _her_ die. He had let_ him_ die.

Naruto found he couldn't stop himself from going over and over the blond kunoichi's last intelligible words, her screeches on continuous replay in his head.

'_He deserves to die! He needs to pay!_'

In his heart he couldn't deny that he felt the same.

The young nin had known ever since he had woken in that hospital nearly as month ago, that he needed to suffer, to make amends for his sins against his two most precious people. But while each moment of despair and loneliness had given him a certain sort of satisfaction, he had still ached for something more.

So maybe maybe Ino had nailed it, given him the answer to his quandry.

Maybe he needed to die to atone, maybe that had been the problem all along.

But still that left him with another problem.

The teen didn't think that he would able to kill himself.

It wasn't that he felt he lacked the strength of will or courage. He had proven to himself again and again that he had a good supply of both.

Naruto just couldn't bring himself to do that to those few that still cared for him. As much as he had always pitied and mourned those that he had known to have taken their lives, he still couldn't help feeling that suicide was the epitome of selfishness.

Just the idea of Kakashi-sensei or Ero-sennin finding his body made him want to throw up on the spot. He knew that all of the older shinobi in his life had seen too much tragedy to take such a thing very well.

So then. How could he properly make amends without taking his own life?

He knew that he could never ask a Konoha nin to help him die, they would probably slap him right into the nut house. Even if he were to find someone to help him, he doubted that they would have the power to do it.

The blond viciously fought back the urge to cry.

Honestly, who did he know who could succeed where the number one rookie of the rookie nine had failed?

He glared rather balefully at a particularly mangled lantern bearing the Uchiha Crest and suddenly knew what he could do.

Uchiha Itachi.

The Akatsuki.

He was quite sure that Itachi would be willing to oblige his death wish.

At first the idea sounded absurd. He had been working so hard to stay out of their grasp. But the more he turned the idea over in his mind, the more appealing in started to sound.

True, handing himself over to the nuke-nin would give that evil organization another Bijuu, but he was sure that the nin from Konoha and Suna could handle it. After all, Kakashi had his Mangekyou and the remnants of the rookie nine and team Gai only continued to get stronger. They had all made so much progress during his training with Ero-sennin he was sure they'd only continue to do so during a more extended absence.

And besides, the idea that his death would be executed by his dear teammate's aniki... Well, he rather thought it held a nice bit of symmetry.

Now all he had to do was find Uchiha Itachi.

Piece of cake.

OoToO

**A/N:**Wow! That was a lot of work! I've never written a first chappie this long before! Anyways though! Please tell me what you thought darlings! And don't hesitate to point out any mistakes. I have no Beta for this and I'm nervous as none other about it!

**Word Count:** 4277 (Yay!)


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